A Humbled and Fumbling Filmmaker

June 14^th, 2011

I have always been the type of person to step off a cliff. I take risks. I strive for dreams even when they may seem unrealistic. I’m proud of that. Like the old sayings go, I practice what I preach and I walk the walk. But with that comes the days of self-doubting internal dialogue: “Really Tonia, who the hell do you think you are?”

Today is one of those days.

Engaging with the medium of film has been an empowering albeit self-effacing experience thus far. I find myself incredibly inspired by the possibilities of employing my intellectual and creative self in tandem. But like any art form, I often stumble on my expectations. I suppose that struggle can be ascribed to any attempt at success.

And there is that word. Success.

A concept both irritating and motivating and utterly powered by fear of failure.

And there is that word. Failure.

I am settled and comfortable in India now. I have the details ironed out. So it is time to whole-heartedly pursue the work I am here to do. It is time to put my skills, or lack of them, to work on the projects I aim to complete. As I zipped home from work on my trusty scooter named “Simba” today, I passed two men laughing as they wrestled a bicycle piled with sacks of produce through puddles and cows and traffic. It was a perfect scene to shoot. But I was suddenly paralyzed and didn’t take the camera out of my bag. I can’t be sure if I was worried I would offend them or if I was scared that I would not capture the magic of it all. Either way, it is an opportunity missed, no matter how small.

Like the sacks on that bicycle, I feel the weight of success and failure on my back. I am shy to say that I pray I can leave the bags in the market – because we all know that is where success and failure belong – and get on this bicycle and ride.